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Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?   A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?   A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?   A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?   A1: Take your foot off his head.   A2: No. Good!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?   A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?   A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?   A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?   A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?   A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?   A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?   A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?   A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?   A: It might be your bicycle.
Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?   A:In the city morgue.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whore house." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"